Making Trails

So here I am.  I just finished putting together a quick and easy album cover for the EP that I'm planning and working on.  And I wonder what's going on, because since when was I planning to make music?  But, why not?  I mean, I love music, and the stuff I've put together so far is actually pretty good, and I'm always writing lyrics anyway, and I'm pretty sure I have at least a decent singing voice, so why not?

Chasing after a dream is kind of a funny thing.  And I realize that I've got one song finished and at least a couple more to make before I can do this EP thing, but the first one was good, and this is so much fun, at least on good days.  It gives me something productive to do, and music is a way to give back to the world.

I may be partly doing this to amuse myself, and I probably won't call something finished unless I like it, but really, when this music sees the light of day, it's not about me.  It's about saying something important, something that will hopefully help someone somewhere.  And I know my reach will be small, at least in the beginning, but that doesn't matter.  Some of the most inspiring stories to me are the ones I read online about Adam Young's music, how his songs have literally saved lives.  Isn't that one of the most powerful things a musician could hope to achieve?

I still don't know which direction I'm going, and so I think that my EP is aptly named: Making Trails.  I'm making my own path here, and whether I succeed or fail depends entirely on whether I keep going forward, because there's no roads where we're going.  I don't even know how this happened.  Loving music, realizing that it really is possible, and then just deciding then and there that I was going to do it, I guess.  Seems just like yesterday that I wasn't even sure I could put anything decent together at all, and a month later, I'm starting to see more than ever that it's all about what you set your mind to.

God willing, things will keep going and I'll keep on making songs, and have an EP in the next couple of months, and maybe an album sometime in the near future.  But I don't really care about making a ton of money or getting famous, because we always want more, and the world of celebrities is a shallow and harsh place.  And if I never do end up rich or famous, that's fine.  Being able to make music is reward enough.

I can't claim to be a musician, at least not yet, but I think I might just be getting there.  I don't know how to play any instruments very well, but I'll learn.  I don't know how to do everything in a music program, but I'm figuring things out as I go.  I guess the only thing to do now is hold on and enjoy the ride, because who knows when things could get bumpy?

It's all up to God.  I'll keep making these trails through the lands of inexperience, but the direction I'm going is for Him to decide.  And that's the best thing of all, because when you've got the great Guide leading you on, who needs maps?

~ Dane

A Life Weighs A Million Tons

I just had an epiphany.  Thinking about how life is, how life was, how life could be and how life probably will be, I hit upon something: my life goes into these pretty random sine waves of good and bad, and I've felt like if I'm not on the high end of the wave -- feeling completely connected to God, totally in love with Jesus, doing exactly what I feel is right -- life feels like it's wrong somehow, like I shouldn't be here, like I should be trying harder to stay in line with Jesus or else I'm going to go off the deep end by default.

Excuse the language, but damn, how long has that been there?

What brought this to my mind was this feeling that the low points in my life are just in-betweens for the moments that God is close and life is right.  But, I thought, doesn't that mean that I'm basically saying that most of my life is invalid?  If life isn't life unless everything's perfect, then...does that mean that I'm just a walking ghost, apart from those few precious moments?  Does it mean that God really isn't around unless I feel as if he's beside me?

Wow.  I actually believe that.

No.  Never.  I wonder how I bought into such a deadly lie.

Possibly because there's this thing among Christians, usually implied for the most part, that life should be a certain way, that unless we're spending most of our day with God, never getting angry, never looking at things we shouldn't, never ever being materialistic...then we're wrong, and that is bad.  Which is true.  But we've taken it much further: if life doesn't follow these guidelines, then not only are we wrong, but there's something wrong with us, and we should, we have to stop or else we're bad people.

Well...maybe not bad.  Just not all there, poor things.  Here's a three-week Bible study and a few sermons to set you right again.  Read a chapter a day, and call me in the morning, pastor's orders.

I honestly don't know whether to burst out laughing or break down and cry.  Is that what we think our goal in life is, to be perfect people and feel close to God?  HAH.

But it makes perfect sense to our reasoning minds.  "This is completely right, and therefore everything that is not is wrong and must be avoided."  1 + 1 = 2, right?

There are two problems with this thought, though.  One, Jesus never said "I am with you as long as you do everything you're supposed to and don't do things you're not supposed to do."  Two, most of our lives is lived in this less-than-perfect place, the dreadful In-Between.  But is it really dreadful, or are we just going about this all wrong?  Maybe the whole point is that God's always with us (just like he said), even when we're farthest from him.  Especially when we're farthest from him.

Woah...I'm going about my life all wrong.  All of a sudden it's perfectly clear that what I've been doing is trying to lift my entire life up to Jesus's level.  Might as well have been trying to lift the crust of the world.  But in my attempt to bench-press a freight train, I forgot the obvious.  Jesus comes down into our lives, not the other way around.  And I slap myself in the face and laugh.  Oh, what a wonderful God we serve!

But I've heard this before, and sometimes it still doesn't help, because one thing is left out: when life is at its lowest and God feels like a distant memory, Jesus is still within reach.  Within reach, right now.  Not if I can just get my life in order a little bit, not just if I can get myself to read my Bible a bit more every day, not just if I remember to pray before going to bed.  Right now.

While I'm squandering my time avoiding what needs to be done, instead just doing whatever I feel like because it keeps me entertained and distances me from my pain and weakness, and while my thoughts are going where I know they shouldn't but I can't control myself, and while I'm so utterly despairing of love and of life, he's right here.  So-close-I-can-touch-him here.  And he doesn't care that I've sinned, and that I couldn't be further from the truth.  He's still here.

It's so utterly freeing to realize that I don't have to lift my life up to the "good Christian" standard when I can barely even stand.  I don't.  He's here.  Life's not a signal tower you have to climb up to get a connection to God, because he's right here, right now, when you're in pain, when you literally hate him for the way life is turning out, when you can't take another step because the sadness is so heavy.

He's right here.

Wow.  I mean...wow.  Really?

Just goes to show how hard it is for me to take God at his word, I guess.  But he's taken that into account already.

Weakness

Day dawns with another mental groan, turning over in the bed and in my mind, with the sun shining through the windows.  Except it's not shining in my face.  I was asleep for that part.  I might hazily remember hearing the alarm that I set to help myself get up earlier, but I think I switched it off and fell asleep again.  The upper level of the bunk-bed is vacant.  Why do I do this to myself?

I head downstairs, spend a little too long checking a couple of websites on the computer, and have a late breakfast.  Too little school, too little physical activity.  The day ends eventually after that, and I repeat it again the next day, always wishing, always telling myself that I'll change my habits.  It never happens.  The thing is, spending too many hours before a screen doesn't actually tell me anything new.  It's possible that I'm hiding from something.  But what?  My own lack of motivation?  My loneliness, my sadness, past wounds that I have been crippled by rather than learned from?  It's been so long that I'm not even sure I remember anymore.

I used to spend time writing down everything that I had to work out in my mind, but I've gotten stuck on a loop and I keep working through the same pain over and over.  I'm too tired to hit the reset button, or maybe there isn't one.  For all that I've been through, somehow my skills are failing to perform the same simple tasks they used to handle smoothly.  I'm still me, and things haven't really changed much, so what's the problem?

Maybe it's loneliness.  I drew a certain strength from deceiving myself about certain people, and now that I've learned the truth, that support is gone, and the others that I've taken for granted or only been able to draw on now and then -- they just don't do it anymore, because I've grown out my branches beyond them and so much of my strength was focused on those new parts of myself that I can't recede back to the spaces I used to fit comfortably in.

I'm not sure why I can't return to the Lord's arms these days, but it's grueling just to focus my mind enough.  Maybe I should learn to just sit and be, like I used to say.  Self-discipline is hard to come by, though, and I'm running so firmly on autopilot that it's tremendously hard to wrench myself from the daily routine.

Deep breaths.

In and out.  One, two.

Relaxing muscles remind me it's been ages since I even stopped for calm.  I'm holding my heart in my hand, loosening the hard dirt and grime under a gentle flow of warm water.

Jesus, wash over me.

It's strange how we can sleepwalk along, never knowing that we're catching our feet on chains, dragging the weight along, until our legs give out.  By that time, of course, we've already fallen so completely asleep that we don't even realize we've fallen.  We're so weak from dragging our burdens that we can't support our own spirit.

Dirt-turned-mud breaks away.

When our throat is dry and we haven't had water in ages, it's impossible to make more than a croak or a whisper, impossible to cry for help.  Tears require water, and we can't even weep.

What a blessing that God can hear even the faintest of whisper, see exhausted sadness even when our faces are on the ground.

Lips taste a hint of water, and finally form an audible word.  Help...

Gentle, strong hands.  More water.  A comforting smile.  My child, I am with you always.  Abide in Me.  Let Me restore your soul, weary one.

But...I don't even remember how.

Don't try.  Let Me be your strength.  Breathe.

Deep breaths.

One, two.

Three.

Heartbeat starts, faint.

I must hold on.  This spark of life is easily lost.  I may have to do this once, twice more.  But I must succeed.  As long as my mind can hold on to that simple thought, simple word, then there is hope.  As long as I can remember.

Help.

Sun Ain't Shining

Sun Ain't Shining

(This song is to a fairly fast beat, about one per second or 3/4 second.)

It's overcast, the sun ain't shinin'

Tears don't come, I should be cryin'

Rain or shine

Rain or shine

Sky, could you make up your mind?

I think I've figured out

What depresses me about

These cloudy days

(The world in shades of gray)

That beautiful blue sky

Cotton balls all floating by

All stripped away

(It's really quite a shame)

Oh, look round, I don't see

The backdrop for the trees

Naked and cold

(And gloomy moods get old)

The neighborhood round me

Is lifeless and empty

No hands to hold

(It just happens

Or so I'm told)

It's overcast, the sun ain't shinin'

Laugh or cry, I'm tired of tryin'

Rain or shine

Rain or shine

Heart, could you make up your mind?

I always crack a grin

When the sky comes pouring in

Oh, rain or snow

(Falling down to say hello)

Cause with water on the ground

In sorrow, joy is found

Even when you're low

(It's crazy, yes, I know)

Let the sun break through again

And although I can't pretend

To be okay

(The pain's there anyway)

I have a chance to heal

Open up my heart and feel,

'Least for today

(My Savior loves me

Always)

It's overcast, the sun ain't shinin'

It's not ideal, but I'm not whinin'

Rain or shine

Rain or shine

A bit cold, but I'll be fine

-------

Thanks, Uncle Uly, for the suggestion.  (Really looking forward to putting this one to music.)

Writing Exercise

Rows of color.  Red, orange, yellow, green, blue, rimmed with thick lines of white and interspersed with weaving lines of woven white, hard-tipped.  It all sits on a box, black box, a black box colored red on the sides, and this whole thing is a showcase for color and the shoes that every kid wishes he had, and that every man wished he had when he was a kid.  So much color, so much beauty, woven out of fabric and rubber and plastic and dyes, folded and sewn and boxed up into these small coverings for our feet.  This is a symbolic picture of the longing for the new coolest thing that every boy has, when Timmy wants the amazing shoes that Joe’s parents just got him for his birthday, and so Timmy asks – no, begs – his parents for an advance on his allowance so that he can have shoes, those shoes, please can I have those shoes.

She stands on the edge of the lake, dressed in short shorts and a thin button-up shirt.  It is gray, cold, cloudy, and windy, and miniature waves are whipping up all across the surface of the water.  In her fingers hangs a dream catcher; it’s all rings and nets and feathers, reminiscent of Indians and shamans and smoke and tipis, eagles and mountain lions and bears.  A dream catcher, to ward off the nightmares and keep the peace until morning, like a night-guard in a museum of memories and potential keeping the robbers away, ready to call the police of awakening at a moment’s notice and bring the mind back into the real world and away from the haunting of these dark dreams.  Still she stands, as though in memory of times gone by, of dreams lost.  Perhaps with this dream catcher she can reclaim them, bring back some remnant of the life she let slip away, escaped through the land that exists somewhere between living and surviving.

The sky burns.  Waves roll over the sand, alight with pink and deep blue and green.  Clouds are suspended between dream and reality, colored with the fire of the sun.  The foam churns up as the winds rise, and the waves reach their wet, grasping fingers further up the beach.  The clouds scurry away beneath the onslaught, preferring to retreat, so that they might live to fight another day on some other land.  Above the isle on the horizon, the sun sets – or is it rising?  For in those moments between dark and light, and between light and dark, who can tell which one is which, or where time is held in these timeless events that somehow manage to happen every morning and evening without fail.  It could be a welcome into a bright new day, or it could be recalling past days, bidding the light farewell for an era of darkness and sleep until the next rising.

“FEAR IS A LIAR.”  It is branded in big, bold letters on the wall, pronouncing the truth like some prophet in ancient Jerusalem, calling to the bustling people of the city who stop up their ears and refuse to listen.  “If fear is a liar, then why does it ring true?” some of them jeer, only having enough time to mock the speaker before going on their way once more.  A very few (perhaps one or two) are truly curious, and await the prophet’s answer.  Slowly, carefully, he opens his mouth once more.  “Fear lies about our true worth and our true nature.  Though many times fear seems the appropriate response, there is so much more to be gained through courage, and courage shows us our true nature, the nature that has been given to us by Him.  Do not allow fear to tell you that you are a worthless being, a creature of nothing more than fearful survival, victim of the whims of chance; you are ever so much more than that.  You are an image of beauty, of joy, of skill, and most importantly, you are alive.  Nothing is more true about you than these things.  Fear is a liar.  FEAR IS A LIAR.”  And once again, the wall is merely a wall, and yet more than a wall: it is a proclamation of truth.

Sadness

How do you heal a broken heart?

The endless cycle continues, old wounds come up again with hope and hopelessness frustratingly entwined, and tears return.  An endless sine wave of joy and sorrow.

Why can't I just move on?  Why her?  Why do I insist, and why can't I accept that things will not change?  My heart's stubbornness is the reason I suffer, but I keep catching hints of hope, and I can't stop trying.  Or rather, I can't make myself stop trying.

I know that life has its seasons; times when the clouds are overhead and hope is far away.  But why won't the sunny days stick around for more than...well...days?  Part of it is my own fault; I don't make the effort to look for the sunlight that is still there.  But the clouds loom and blot out the sun and pour their rain, and I cry. Hope seems far away and hoping feels like wishful thinking.

But what do I do now?  Do I wait it out, see if things will be different this time?  Or will the pattern continue?  Then again, is action a part of the pattern?  Maybe if I do nothing, things will get better.  Or worse.  I don't know.  And I wish I did, because I feel lost in it all.  People are so hard to understand sometimes.

And I know I have God.  But I still feel loss all too acutely, and I want to reach out, see if maybe things can change.  But what if they don't?  It'll just happen again.  Or I'll lose her, which is even worse.  But I don't even know.

Hold me, Jesus...

What Is Life About, Anyway?

I have a sticky note pasted on my bible that says, "This is a STORY, not an ENCYCLOPEDIA."  Because I forget.

I forget that a million Israelites wandering a desert in the Middle-East for 40 years is not about wandering the desert, but about how God sometimes takes long seasons to change our hearts in the ways they need to be changed.

I forget that Solomon being made the richest and wisest man in history by God because he asked for wisdom, not money or fame, is not about some up-and-coming king that got a little extra help from God, but about God's desire for our hearts to be in the right place.

I forget that Jesus coming, performing miracles, dying, and coming back to life is not just about a man from heaven who helped a lot of people and cheated death.  It's about the creator of the universe loving a planet full of messed-up people enough to come and exist among them, so far outside his comfort zone, caring about them so much that he didn't care how broken or sinful they were.  He came and loved them anyway.

And I forget that my life is a story, and that this continuous struggle back and forth is not about self-control or my ability to be moral, but about my heart being changed, about God calling me to move forward and not backward.

Why do we forget that our lives are stories?  Stories make perfect sense.  The characters don't understand why things happen the way they do, but when we turn the final page, we can see how each event was important, however dark it was.  Take Judas.  One of the saddest parts about Jesus's story is how one of his disciples -- no, one of his closest friends -- sold him out, despite everything that the thirteen of them had been through together.  And yet, if Judas hadn't done what he did, then things would not have happened as they were meant to.

But no, our lives aren't a story.  They're just a jumbled mess of random events that are the result of events set in motion a long time ago, and nothing really means anything.  There is no reason that God didn't save someone's mom from cancer, or that the homeless man downtown lost everything he owned.  We're down here, and He's up there, and who really knows why anyway?

And we believe that's what the truth about life is.  But...really?

I guess that's what memory is for.

Thinking back, I can see that the pastors tearing down my dad for not living up to their standards -- an event I didn't witness, and don't wish I had -- resulted in my family seeking out a church.  A seemingly random Facebook ad, a subtle nudge from God to my mom, and then Mosaic.  Uncertainty.  And every week, through uncertainty, Mosaic.  And healing.  New friends.  Close friends.  A wonderful place for my parents, and a wonderful place for me, though it took some getting used to.  The closest friends I've ever had in my short life made there, people I would trust with my life if it ever came to that, and almost none of them are my age.  But they're exactly what I needed (and still do).

And books.  Books suggested by a fellow Christian kid met only a few times at a church youth group out in the country.  Books that changed my life, my view of God and Christianity.  And he became my friend (my best friend, in fact).

So many experiences, wonderful and not so wonderful, set off by the most insignificant of events.  A quick message to someone I've never met before.  Popping by for a random visit at a friends' house, just as they are leaving to youth group.  So many different places, so many different wonderful people and lessons learned, and God.

There's no way any of those things was an accident.  And there's no way that there isn't a God watching out for me.  The trick is knowing when and where he's pointing.  I've been granted the grace to be guided mostly by the actions of others and what seems like happy chance (but is really Jesus bringing something I desperately needed into my life), but now it feels like he wants me to take my first real steps on my own.  And I'm scared.  And angry.  Angry that responsibility would be thrust on me, responsibility I feel I can't bear, and why couldn't life just be about surviving, or could I even just skip life and go Home?  But no.  And at the same time...I'm tremendously honored, and shocked.  You want...me?  But...I could never do that.  But I want to.  I want to help in that way.  I want to bless like I've been blessed, pass on these rare lessons I've learned.  And I'm confused.  What's the next step?  Here or there?  When?  How?  So I ask, and wait.

This life is a story, if we'll just look for the chapters, the major events.  Some people's stories are happy.  Some people's stories are sad, but that doesn't mean the Savior's handwriting isn't all over the manuscript.  What about the man that was born blind that Jesus healed?

"'Rabbi,' his disciples asked him, 'why was this man born blind?  Was it because of his own sins or the his parents' sins?'

'It was not because of his sins or his parents' sins,' Jesus answered.  'This happened so the power of God could be seen in him.'" - (John 9:2-3)

This man's story was characterized by a disability, and probably a certain degree of estrangement from his friends and family.  Definitely a sad story.  But there was a reason.  The bad in our lives isn't God trying to get back at us for doing bad things, or him just not caring.  Pain is a necessary prerequisite to beauty, more often than not.  That doesn't mean that God cares.  And that doesn't mean that we should just brush off pain, as if it doesn't even matter.  It matters.  Anyone who has ever been in pain (in other words, every human being who ever lived) will tell you that.  It hurts when your marriage doesn't work out, when your best friend dies, when you're laid off and have no hope of providing for your family.  God does care that it hurts.  And he's doing it for a reason.

"And since we are his children, we are his heirs.  In fact, together with Christ we are heirs of God's glory.  But if we are to share his glory, we must also share his suffering.  Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will reveal to us later.  For all creation is waiting eagerly for that future day when God will reveal who his children really are." - (Romans 8:17-19)

Ultimately, this is about God's glory.  Which we will share in.  The pain will all be worth it.

Life is a story.  Sometimes it's happy, sometimes it's sad.  But every event has meaning, although we can't see it right now.

Life matters.  Pain matters.  You matter.  Don't give up just yet.  There's a reason for everything.  It will be worth it.

Old Becomes New

Sometimes, my heart is simply exploding, inspired and driven to new heights by the words of others, or simply by the astonishing beauty and certainty that is the love of God.  Words overwhelm and trip over each other, and I long to say something powerful and sure, strong and long and endless, like a river ever-flowing, and yet...what is there to say?  For, as Solomon said, there is nothing new under the sun.

But, of course...we forget.  Though nothing is new, each time it makes its rounds through the world it is received with open arms as the ultimate truth, the final discovery, as though nothing in the world could ever compare.  Where are these discoveries now?  They live on only in the memories of those who saw them blossom, and then they wither with those oh-so-short lives, to be lost to the world in a few generations, only to return someday as "new".

Perhaps, though, it is a good thing that old words become new once more.  For though in this world we had men like the apostle Paul and Peter the headstrong and the leaders of the early church and other champions of the faith throughout the years all the way to the likes of Horatio Spafford and Carl Boberg, writers of some of the powerful hymns we sing today, as post-Christ psalms, or writers like C.S. Lewis and George MacDonald who inspire us still with their words of wisdom...all this fades in memory, sooner or later.  And so it is good that new men and women arise to re-tell the stories, to "sing a new song", as David said, to inspire and drive the world and the church to action once more, for we are forgetful beings.  When old words are forgotten, so must they rise again one day from the mouths of new speakers, as God's way of reminding us of the truths left in the dust of history's plodding march, and they give us strength to go on.  All things grow old and become new, remade once more to bring joy.

Is this not our picture of salvation?  We, as our old, tired selves, receive with joy the gift of Jesus, and we become new once more, so that God may use us as gifts of joy to the world, so that the lives we touch may eventually lead back to Him, and so rises up even more joy to give back.  The old becomes new and our worn-out souls become fresh, strong currents of love-water that washes over others, giving them a taste of the living water of the Christ.

Aimless, wordless babbling receives a purpose and new words rise to flesh out and the old, empty self is left behind as words become a gift.  This is the miracle of God.  Old will become new once more, and He will rejoice over it, and breathe into it an abundance of life that spills over until all is filled with perfect Love, seeping into the very earth in its extravagance.  Oh, how He loves us.

I'd Rather Have You

So, second song in two days, but I just felt the urge to write again.  Hope nobody minds. :P

I'd Rather Have You

The world swims around in intoxication

The church plods on in desolation

Indulge or destroy the desire inside

Pick your poison, choose your side

But Who put this longing inside of our hearts?

The One who designed us right at the start

And I'd

Rather have You

The One that everything

Points back to

And my heart

Won't have to die

Cause if I'm a hollow man

What good am I?

What good am I?

"Love the Lord with all your heart."

But every day, we kill the spark

It whispers to us in the dead of night

"How can you say that this feels right?

If your heart is stone cold, how can you love?

The wildest Life is the one from above."

I'd

Rather have You

The One that everything

Points back to

And my heart

Won't have to hide

Cause if I'm a safe man

What good am I?

The people of Heaven are not silent types

Living in complete disregard for their lives

Beheaded or tortured or hung on a cross

The greatest of gain through the greatest of loss

This life is a story, the world is the stage

We don't know what's coming when we turn the page

But I'd

Rather have You

The One that all our hearts

Belong to

And my heart

Won't have to fear

Cause if I can't trust You

Why am I here?

I'd

Rather have You

The One that everything

Points back to

And my heart

Will sing to You

For every beautiful thing

You do

For every beautiful thing

You do

My heart

Will sing to you

For every single thing

That you do



"One-Sided Romance" - Sometimes Dreams Aren't Mutual

It seems to be the story of my life; feelings arise, and continue to grow until I finally can't hold it in anymore and I just have to tell her.  Up until that point I'm always thinking the feeling is mutual (or at least hoping it is), but...it usually isn't.  Someday the story will be different, but I haven't yet found evidence of it.  It's a good thing our hearts don't need evidence to believe, or I'd be lost.

One-Sided Romance

Must it always end like this?

I put it to words, but somehow they miss

Descend into hopelessness

I must have imagined it all

It seems the fault lies with me

I always give away my heart too easily

I must have misread you somewhere

As the hooks withdraw, they catch and they tear

I'm sorry, my darling

I just had to ask you

I wish that you cared as much as I do

Loneliness pierces my heart like a lance

I'm sorry I crafted this one-sided romance

Each time, it's the same

It happens so often that I am ashamed

I thought it'd be different this time

Wishful thinking isn't really a crime

I'm sorry, my darling

I just had to ask you

I wish that you cared as much as I do

But for some reason I'd hoped that by chance

This love wouldn't be a one-sided romance

It hurts too much to say goodbye

And yet friendship hurts the same

But for your sake, I'll dry my eyes

And I'll always remember your name

I'm sorry, my darling

That I had to ask you

You were my dream, but some dreams don't come true

My hope is dissolving with one final glance

I'll try to forget our one-sided romance

"Joy to Come", a poem

Child of God, love and be free,
For to love and be loved is all you need.
From birth, love is the constant good,
And it is the essence of joy and happiness, as it should
Be, for the Father is joy and love, forever
Flowing and being, like a great river
Of mirth from Heaven itself, a river of life
To heal all ills and end all strife.

Here we sit, wrapped in chains of our own making
And the Devil's, and when we start shaking
Them, breaking them, we will take up arms
Against our Enemy, ancient and crafty, who harms
Us all from birth with mortal lies, carefully
Made to break our wings, leaving us woefully
Cut off at the knees; I pray that God frees you.

Run to the others, swift Malachi,
Messenger of Jesus, may you fly
On perfect eagles' wings, forged in
The fires of Heaven's blacksmit, to win
Him the war through swiftness, to tell
The brothers and sisters of battle to come; tell them: "Fight well."

And when Lucifer is thrown into the pit
Of darkness, and the names that are writ
In the Book of Life are read, to step forth
Into glory with the Father, and the true worth
Of all is shown, then shall joy rise
To overtake all, and the serpents called lies will die.

Child of God, love and be free,
For to love and be loved is all you need.
I hope these words give you strength to go on,
For the end, the everlasting joy, is just beyond the horizon.

The Light We Bear

This is for the broken.  For the depressed, the wounded, the discouraged, for the addict, and for every human being that cries out in despair and wishes that they could be someone else.  This is for all of you who have been lied to, attacked, for those whose hearts have been shattered and scarred, for those who cannot go on.  Know that this is not the end.  Know that there is a tomorrow, that the story does not end here.  Do not despair.

For you are not a creature of darkness, although all the lies of the Enemy speak otherwise.  You are far more than flesh and blood, and you are not a being of desperate wickedness.  Though the Devil assaults you at every turn, and your very body seems to war against you, know this: that in your heart of hearts, in your deepest soul, in the most truest place of your being, you are good.

You are good.  Let this soak into your soul for a moment.  Absorb it, drink it in, like the parched ground drinks up fresh water.  You are good, and your God has not abandoned you.  For when your Father made you, he said, "It is good."  Doubt not, then, that you are still good, and think not that your perfection has been lost until eternity comes.  For it is still within you, though you have forgotten it.  Awaken your soul, delve into this lost place within you.  You were made unique, and pure.  Even though your flesh rebels against you daily, even though Satan's lies fly like arrows overhead, you are still a being of light, a beautiful creature, a wonderful soul.

For when the Messiah cried out and gave up his life, your body of sin died.  And when he arose on the third day, your perfect heart was restored to you.  He has taken your old self to the depths of Hell, cast it into the Lake of Fire to be burned up, and he has brought back the true you, given you back your lost perfection.

So then, despair no more, but rejoice, rejoice in yourself and your gifts!  Rejoice for those around you, for they are made as new!  If your gift is the gift of writing, then write as a messenger of the Lord.  If your gift is speaking, then let your words come like a storm upon the ocean.  If your gift is to be kind, then let all your brothers and sisters rejoice in your kindness.  If yours is the gift of thinking, then think on the deep things of life, and uncover the truths of life.  If your gift is of action, then do great things for the Kingdom of God.  The gifts that God has granted to us all are as grains of sand on the seashore, and a handful of each has been granted to us all.  So do not hold back, but let the sands flow, let your light shine out, bright and glorious in the power of the Father.  Rejoice in yourself, creature of light and love.  For you are good, and you are loved, and you have a place.  Take your seat at the table, and raise your glass with your brothers and sisters, and with the Messiah who has given your soul back to you.

This is not the end, but rather the beginning.

Part 2 - Fighting the Good Fight

"Fight the good fight for the true faith. Hold tightly to the eternal life to which God has called you, which you have confessed so well before many witnesses."
- 1 Timothy 6:12



"Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the Devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour."

- 1 Peter 5:8



"The Thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy. I come that they might have life, and have it to the full."

- John 10:10



"Fight the good fight". A "roaring lion", "devour". "steal, kill, and destroy". How have we missed all this?




You may have noticed the new background. I've changed it in accordance with the theme of today's post - namely, fighting the Devil. Our picture of "fighting the Devil" nowadays has been reduced to fighting off the temptation to sin, which is just a PART of Satan's schemes. He plays on our sinful flesh, tempts us, trying to get us to do things we shouldn't. However, this isn't all he does. You have to remember, Satan is very, very clever, and quite powerful. God gives us the power to fight him, through the Holy Spirit, but what do we do? We don't even see him.

"Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.

Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness. For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared. In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil. Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere."

- Ephesians 6:11-18 (NLT Bible)

"For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places." I think Paul's trying to tell us something here. If only we would stop and listen. Notice that he doesn't say "resisting", but rather "fighting", as in, battling. The "armor of God" analogy only solidifies this. Armor implies that we will be attacked. Not just tempted, attacked. And a sword? That implies that we're supposed to fight back. Not something you hear from most pulpits these days.

To put this in another light, I'd like to quote from 'The Message':

"And that about wraps it up. God is strong, and he wants you strong. So take everything the Master has set out for you, well-made weapons of the best materials. And put them to use so you will be able to stand up to everything the Devil throws your way. This is no afternoon athletic contest that we’ll walk away from and forget about in a couple of hours. This is for keeps, a life-or-death fight to the finish against the Devil and all his angels. Be prepared. You’re up against far more than you can handle on your own. Take all the help you can get, every weapon God has issued, so that when it’s all over but the shouting you’ll still be on your feet. Truth, righteousness, peace, faith, and salvation are more than words. Learn how to apply them. You’ll need them throughout your life. God’s Word is an indispensable weapon. In the same way, prayer is essential in this ongoing warfare. Pray hard and long. Pray for your brothers and sisters. Keep your eyes open. Keep each other’s spirits up so that no one falls behind or drops out."

- Ephesians 6:10-18 (The Message Bible)

See what I'm getting at? God wants us strong. Why, if all we do is come into a building on Sunday mornings, sing a few songs, listen to a guy speak for an hour or so, say our farewells, and go about our week; if this is it, why do we need to be strong? Strong of voice? No, there's a lot more to the Christian life than we know. We're in a war. A war. "Well-made weapons of the best materials". As in, to fight with. This is a "life-or-death fight to the death against the Devil and all his angels". "You're up against far more than you can handle on your own." Don't go alone. But there's a slight problem. Satan's got us pinned down already, every last one of us. Time to dust off that armor, sharpen that sword, and start fighting. Fight for your heart.

What's our sword? Well, for one thing, the Word of God. We all know this. It's kryptonite for the demons. However, this isn't the only weapon we have. Prayer is an essential. We cannot go without it. Why does it work against the demons? The Holy Spirit endwells us, and our appeals go directly to the spiritual realm. And it's not just about asking God to send the demons away. We have to command them ourselves, in God's name. For even though we cannot stand for ourselves at this time, God made us to rule and subdue the Earth, remember? And that also applies to the spiritual realm. We can't survive on our own, but God has given us his power to fight them off.

And boy could we use it right about now.

"In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil." We will be attacked. It's a given. Satan's not gonna sit idly by while the people made in the very image of God take up their birthright and start shining out the glory God has restored to them. He hates God, and he hates anything that bears His glory. So, then, what are these "fiery arrows"? They can be quite varied. Anything from temptation of our sinful flesh, to condemnation through the words of a friend. Now, please note, Satan isn't able to possess Christians. Our true self has been purified, cleansed, made new and perfect. (Our true self and our sinful nature both exist at this moment, by the way.) Satan cannot indwell us. But he can certainly suggest to us. He may not be able to take control of us, but he can certainly put thoughts into our minds (not that this is the only way such thoughts come to us). If that seems weird, yes it is. If it seems impossible, keep in mind this is the second most powerful being in existence. A long way off from God, but still very powerful, and in charge of all the demons.

First off: pray. Pray like crazy. Pray that God will set your heart free, reveal Satan's spiritual strongholds, so that they may be uprooted. Pray that He would open your eyes to see the flaming arrows, and the attacks everyone suffers every day. Start using that Sword of the Spirit. God gave it to you for a reason. It's not a trophy. It's a weapon. Use it. Its full extent: the Word of God, and a direct line to God, giving us the ability to influence the spiritual realm through prayer. It's real, my friends, and cannot be ignored. To do so is a very, very bad idea, and you'll live most of your life in misery, wondering what the heck Jesus meant by a "rich and satisfying life", wondering why God is being so darn quiet. Truth is, he's talking to us, every single day. But our ears have been covered. We've been gagged, blindfolded, and had our ears plugged up. Satan's got us right where he wants us. Are you going to sit around and do nothing about it? I'm sure not.

Fight the good fight, my friends. Pray earnestly, use your armor and your weapons. The battle is still very much underway, and your Captain calls you forward. Will you answer the summons?

Part 1 - Lies About Christianity

   "A friend of mine recently handed me a program from a large and successful church somewhere in the Midwest.  It's a rather exemplary model of what the idea [of discipleship] has fallen to.  Their plan for discipleship involves, first, becoming a memeber of this particular church.  Then they encourage you to take a course on doctrine.  Be 'faithful' in attending the Sunday morning service and a small group fellowship.  Complete a special course on Christian growth.  Live a life that demonstrates clear evidence of spiritual growth.  Complete a class on evangelism.  Consistently look for opportunities to evangelize.  Complete a course on finances, one on marriage, and another on parenting (provided that you are married or a parent).  Complete a leadership training course, a hermeneutics course, a course on spiritual gifts, and another on biblical counseling.  Participate in missions.  Carry a significant local church ministry 'load'.
   You're probably surprised that I would question this sort of program; most churches are trying to get their folks to complete something like this, one way or another.  No doubt a great deal of helpful information is passed on.  But let me ask you: A program like this--does it teach a person how to apply principles, or how to walk with God?  They are not the same thing.  Change the content and any cult could do this.  I mean, Gandhi was a remarkable man; so was Lao-tzu, Confucius, or Thomas Jefferson.  They all had principles for a better life.  But only Christianity can teach you to walk with God."
- John Eldredge, "Waking the Dead"

The sad thing is, I'm inclined to agree with him.  Our picture of living a "Christian life" has been so warped, we only know about a tenth of the things we should, most of which are not principles, but rather much more important things.

For instance, our picture of eternal life.  The general mental picture I get, from what I've heard in the church, is that when we die, we'll go to a blindingly-white place in the sky somewhere, and life will be an infinite church service.  Yuck.  Luckily, that's not what God meant at all.  I mean, this is GOD we're talking about here.  And heaven is the most beautiful place we'll have ever seen, so amazing that our minds would explode if we went there now.  Take the description of the New Jerusalem, for instance:

   "And he carried me away in the Spirit to a great and high mountain, and showed me the great city, the holy Jerusalem, descending out of heaven from God, having the glory of God.  Her light was like a most precious stone, like a jasper stone, clear as crystal.  Also she had a great and high wall with twelve gates, and names written on them, which are the names of the twelve tribes of the children of Israel: three gates on the east, three gates on the north, three gates on the south, and three gates on the west.
   Now the wall of the city had twelve foundations, and on them were the names of the twelve apostles of the Lamb.  And he who talked with me had a gold reed to measure the city, its gates, and its wall.  The city is laid out as a square; its length is as great as its breadth.  And he measured the city with a reed: twelve thousand furlongs.  Its length, breadth, and height are equal.
  Then he measured its wall: one hundred and forty-four cubits, according to the measure of a man, that is, of an angel.  The construction of its wall was of jasper, and the city was pure gold, like clear glass.  The foundations of the wall of the city were adorned with all kinds of precious stones: the first foundation was jasper, the second sapphire, the third chalcedony, the fourth emerald, the fifth sardonyx, the sixth sardius, the seventh chrysolite, the eighth beryl, the ninth topaz, the tenth chrysophase, the eleventh jacinth, and the twelfth amethyst.  The twelve gates were twelve pearls: each individual gate was a single pearl.  And the street of the city was pure gold, like transparent glass.
- Revelation 21:10-21


   I included a little math about the size of the city, but I failed to account for square and cubic units of measurement, so it was a bit inaccurate.  But suffice it to say, the city is frickin' HUGE.  The whole thing made entirely of the purest gold, so pure that it's compared to glass.  Now, when he uses the word "like", it's important to note that he's finding the closest comparison there is that we'll understand.  However, this doesn't mean it's anything close to what it's being compared to.  Think about it.  A city made out of gold that's so pure that the closest comparison to its clarity is glass?  (Not the grimy, water-spotted, dirt-covered kind; the shiny, crystal-clear, not-even-sure-if-it's-there, run-into-it-cause-you-don't-see-it kind.)  And to think, that description probably doesn't even come close.
   The gates are made out of a single pearl, each.  The wall is 216 feet thick.  I think you're starting to get the picture.  This city is enormous, and the value of even one of its gates or a sliver of the wall are probably worth more than the combined currency of the entire world.  And this is just a city.  The world...well, imagine what it was like when it was first made.  The most beautiful garden you could imagine.  Even better, because it's been made better than new.  And our new bodies?  Probably capable of more than we would think humanly or superhumanly possible.  Never tired.  Never.  You could run laps around the world without stopping once.  Jumping over a lake would be a cinch.  And God is right there.  Think of the happiest moment of your life, those times when you thought your heart would explode with joy.  Multiply that by...well...infinity.  That's God.  Small wonder we're drawn so easily to things that promise to fill that empty spot inside us, that place that God was meant to be in.

   Okay, I think you're starting to get the idea now.  A pharisee God is not.  Or a sky-dweller.  Or anything else that makes you think super-sanitized, whitewashed, etc.  God is...well, he's a million times better than the best thing you could think of.  A beautiful sunset, overlooking the most gorgeous of views?  A finger-painting compared to what he can do.  Those moments of pure and overwhelming happiness?  A drop in the sea compared to what he is.  Do you really think the best he offers us in this life is a set of disciplines and principles to follow?  Hardly.
   Let's see...where was I?  Oh, yeah.  Eternal life.  This does mean we get to go to heaven when we die.  Awesome.  But, when he talks about life, he doesn't just mean in the afterlife.  He means now.  Life, right now.  And not just any life, but Life.  Life in intimate connection with him, letting him guide us, heal us, make us whole, let his glory shine through us, help us fulfill our role in his great Story on earth.  And when I say role, I mean spiritual gifts.  But, again, here we've missed out on an amazing offer God's given us.  We're also missing out on the bigger picture.
   This life is a war.  Yes, a real war.  Not just a war against the flesh, but also a war between the angels and the demons.  And we're in it.  Or rather, we should be in it.  Sadly, most of us aren't awake to this reality, and so we live out our days trying to do the right thing, trying to follow the principles and give our 10% tithe, wishing we could be a better person, or at least sin a little bit less, and wishing we weren't such a rotten, horrible person.  Most of this is a lie.  Deep down, if we have truly accepted Christ, we are good.  Our heart has been restored, replaced.  Yes, we still deal with the flesh, since we live in it, but the fact that we are, at heart, evil, is totally and completely wrong.
   Where does God send the Holy Spirit to dwell in us?  In our hearts.  We know for a fact that God cannot coexist with evil.  At all.  So how is this possible?  The only answer is that God has made our heart new, taken away its evil.  You doubt?  He's God.  What more do I need to say?
   The fact is, we're totally oblivious to the level at which Satan is at work.  You remember Satan.  The father of lies, the leader of the demons, the ancient serpent who decieves the whole world.  Well, he also decieves us, plays on our flesh, whispers lies about who we really are.  If you thought your heart was evil deep down, well then.  There's proof.  Satan has whispered lies to all of us, without exception.  He has vowed to tear down God's image-bearers, and he's done so quite successfully, it seems.  How many people do you see living out of their hearts, fully alive, without false fronts or fear?  Far too few, most likely.  Even the "got-it-all-together Christian" can be, and is, a false front, one that Satan convinces us to wear.  That sense of, "I can't let people know how bad it really is.  They wouldn't understand," that can come from Satan.  As can many other things.  For me, it's been, "You're just a pest.  No one really cares about you.  You'll never be a part of anything.  You'll never be able to get the girl you want," and on and on it goes.  So many lies, so many whispers.  He'll jump in at every opportunity, every chance to solidify your doubts or turn your perceptions into "facts".  He's hell-bent (literally) on destroying every last ounce of joy, freedom, and goodness you have.

   I'll continue this in a later post.  But remember: you are not evil at heart.  You are a good person, deep down.  Those lies about you are not true.  Do not give the Devil another inch.  Pray ferverently against him.  Pray for the freedom of your true heart.  See if I'm not right.