The endless cycle continues, old wounds come up again with hope and hopelessness frustratingly entwined, and tears return. An endless sine wave of joy and sorrow.
Why can't I just move on? Why her? Why do I insist, and why can't I accept that things will not change? My heart's stubbornness is the reason I suffer, but I keep catching hints of hope, and I can't stop trying. Or rather, I can't make myself stop trying.
I know that life has its seasons; times when the clouds are overhead and hope is far away. But why won't the sunny days stick around for more than...well...days? Part of it is my own fault; I don't make the effort to look for the sunlight that is still there. But the clouds loom and blot out the sun and pour their rain, and I cry. Hope seems far away and hoping feels like wishful thinking.
But what do I do now? Do I wait it out, see if things will be different this time? Or will the pattern continue? Then again, is action a part of the pattern? Maybe if I do nothing, things will get better. Or worse. I don't know. And I wish I did, because I feel lost in it all. People are so hard to understand sometimes.
And I know I have God. But I still feel loss all too acutely, and I want to reach out, see if maybe things can change. But what if they don't? It'll just happen again. Or I'll lose her, which is even worse. But I don't even know.
Hold me, Jesus...
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