Friday, October 5, 2012

Writing Exercise


Rows of color.  Red, orange, yellow, green, blue, rimmed with thick lines of white and interspersed with weaving lines of woven white, hard-tipped.  It all sits on a box, black box, a black box colored red on the sides, and this whole thing is a showcase for color and the shoes that every kid wishes he had, and that every man wished he had when he was a kid.  So much color, so much beauty, woven out of fabric and rubber and plastic and dyes, folded and sewn and boxed up into these small coverings for our feet.  This is a symbolic picture of the longing for the new coolest thing that every boy has, when Timmy wants the amazing shoes that Joe’s parents just got him for his birthday, and so Timmy asks – no, begs – his parents for an advance on his allowance so that he can have shoes, those shoes, please can I have those shoes.


She stands on the edge of the lake, dressed in short shorts and a thin button-up shirt.  It is gray, cold, cloudy, and windy, and miniature waves are whipping up all across the surface of the water.  In her fingers hangs a dream catcher; it’s all rings and nets and feathers, reminiscent of Indians and shamans and smoke and tipis, eagles and mountain lions and bears.  A dream catcher, to ward off the nightmares and keep the peace until morning, like a night-guard in a museum of memories and potential keeping the robbers away, ready to call the police of awakening at a moment’s notice and bring the mind back into the real world and away from the haunting of these dark dreams.  Still she stands, as though in memory of times gone by, of dreams lost.  Perhaps with this dream catcher she can reclaim them, bring back some remnant of the life she let slip away, escaped through the land that exists somewhere between living and surviving.


The sky burns.  Waves roll over the sand, alight with pink and deep blue and green.  Clouds are suspended between dream and reality, colored with the fire of the sun.  The foam churns up as the winds rise, and the waves reach their wet, grasping fingers further up the beach.  The clouds scurry away beneath the onslaught, preferring to retreat, so that they might live to fight another day on some other land.  Above the isle on the horizon, the sun sets – or is it rising?  For in those moments between dark and light, and between light and dark, who can tell which one is which, or where time is held in these timeless events that somehow manage to happen every morning and evening without fail.  It could be a welcome into a bright new day, or it could be recalling past days, bidding the light farewell for an era of darkness and sleep until the next rising.


“FEAR IS A LIAR.”  It is branded in big, bold letters on the wall, pronouncing the truth like some prophet in ancient Jerusalem, calling to the bustling people of the city who stop up their ears and refuse to listen.  “If fear is a liar, then why does it ring true?” some of them jeer, only having enough time to mock the speaker before going on their way once more.  A very few (perhaps one or two) are truly curious, and await the prophet’s answer.  Slowly, carefully, he opens his mouth once more.  “Fear lies about our true worth and our true nature.  Though many times fear seems the appropriate response, there is so much more to be gained through courage, and courage shows us our true nature, the nature that has been given to us by Him.  Do not allow fear to tell you that you are a worthless being, a creature of nothing more than fearful survival, victim of the whims of chance; you are ever so much more than that.  You are an image of beauty, of joy, of skill, and most importantly, you are alive.  Nothing is more true about you than these things.  Fear is a liar.  FEAR IS A LIAR.”  And once again, the wall is merely a wall, and yet more than a wall: it is a proclamation of truth.



Thursday, September 13, 2012

Sadness

How do you heal a broken heart?

The endless cycle continues, old wounds come up again with hope and hopelessness frustratingly entwined, and tears return.  An endless sine wave of joy and sorrow.

Why can't I just move on?  Why her?  Why do I insist, and why can't I accept that things will not change?  My heart's stubbornness is the reason I suffer, but I keep catching hints of hope, and I can't stop trying.  Or rather, I can't make myself stop trying.

I know that life has its seasons; times when the clouds are overhead and hope is far away.  But why won't the sunny days stick around for more than...well...days?  Part of it is my own fault; I don't make the effort to look for the sunlight that is still there.  But the clouds loom and blot out the sun and pour their rain, and I cry. Hope seems far away and hoping feels like wishful thinking.

But what do I do now?  Do I wait it out, see if things will be different this time?  Or will the pattern continue?  Then again, is action a part of the pattern?  Maybe if I do nothing, things will get better.  Or worse.  I don't know.  And I wish I did, because I feel lost in it all.  People are so hard to understand sometimes.

And I know I have God.  But I still feel loss all too acutely, and I want to reach out, see if maybe things can change.  But what if they don't?  It'll just happen again.  Or I'll lose her, which is even worse.  But I don't even know.

Hold me, Jesus...


Sunday, September 2, 2012

What Is Life About, Anyway?

I have a sticky note pasted on my bible that says, "This is a STORY, not an ENCYCLOPEDIA."  Because I forget.

I forget that a million Israelites wandering a desert in the Middle-East for 40 years is not about wandering the desert, but about how God sometimes takes long seasons to change our hearts in the ways they need to be changed.

I forget that Solomon being made the richest and wisest man in history by God because he asked for wisdom, not money or fame, is not about some up-and-coming king that got a little extra help from God, but about God's desire for our hearts to be in the right place.

I forget that Jesus coming, performing miracles, dying, and coming back to life is not just about a man from heaven who helped a lot of people and cheated death.  It's about the creator of the universe loving a planet full of messed-up people enough to come and exist among them, so far outside his comfort zone, caring about them so much that he didn't care how broken or sinful they were.  He came and loved them anyway.

And I forget that my life is a story, and that this continuous struggle back and forth is not about self-control or my ability to be moral, but about my heart being changed, about God calling me to move forward and not backward.

Why do we forget that our lives are stories?  Stories make perfect sense.  The characters don't understand why things happen the way they do, but when we turn the final page, we can see how each event was important, however dark it was.  Take Judas.  One of the saddest parts about Jesus's story is how one of his disciples -- no, one of his closest friends -- sold him out, despite everything that the thirteen of them had been through together.  And yet, if Judas hadn't done what he did, then things would not have happened as they were meant to.

But no, our lives aren't a story.  They're just a jumbled mess of random events that are the result of events set in motion a long time ago, and nothing really means anything.  There is no reason that God didn't save someone's mom from cancer, or that the homeless man downtown lost everything he owned.  We're down here, and He's up there, and who really knows why anyway?

And we believe that's what the truth about life is.  But...really?

I guess that's what memory is for.

Thinking back, I can see that the pastors tearing down my dad for not living up to their standards -- an event I didn't witness, and don't wish I had -- resulted in my family seeking out a church.  A seemingly random Facebook ad, a subtle nudge from God to my mom, and then Mosaic.  Uncertainty.  And every week, through uncertainty, Mosaic.  And healing.  New friends.  Close friends.  A wonderful place for my parents, and a wonderful place for me, though it took some getting used to.  The closest friends I've ever had in my short life made there, people I would trust with my life if it ever came to that, and almost none of them are my age.  But they're exactly what I needed (and still do).

And books.  Books suggested by a fellow Christian kid met only a few times at a church youth group out in the country.  Books that changed my life, my view of God and Christianity.  And he became my friend (my best friend, in fact).

So many experiences, wonderful and not so wonderful, set off by the most insignificant of events.  A quick message to someone I've never met before.  Popping by for a random visit at a friends' house, just as they are leaving to youth group.  So many different places, so many different wonderful people and lessons learned, and God.

There's no way any of those things was an accident.  And there's no way that there isn't a God watching out for me.  The trick is knowing when and where he's pointing.  I've been granted the grace to be guided mostly by the actions of others and what seems like happy chance (but is really Jesus bringing something I desperately needed into my life), but now it feels like he wants me to take my first real steps on my own.  And I'm scared.  And angry.  Angry that responsibility would be thrust on me, responsibility I feel I can't bear, and why couldn't life just be about surviving, or could I even just skip life and go Home?  But no.  And at the same time...I'm tremendously honored, and shocked.  You want...me?  But...I could never do that.  But I want to.  I want to help in that way.  I want to bless like I've been blessed, pass on these rare lessons I've learned.  And I'm confused.  What's the next step?  Here or there?  When?  How?  So I ask, and wait.

This life is a story, if we'll just look for the chapters, the major events.  Some people's stories are happy.  Some people's stories are sad, but that doesn't mean the Savior's handwriting isn't all over the manuscript.  What about the man that was born blind that Jesus healed?

"'Rabbi,' his disciples asked him, 'why was this man born blind?  Was it because of his own sins or the his parents' sins?'
'It was not because of his sins or his parents' sins,' Jesus answered.  'This happened so the power of God could be seen in him.'" - (John 9:2-3)

This man's story was characterized by a disability, and probably a certain degree of estrangement from his friends and family.  Definitely a sad story.  But there was a reason.  The bad in our lives isn't God trying to get back at us for doing bad things, or him just not caring.  Pain is a necessary prerequisite to beauty, more often than not.  That doesn't mean that God cares.  And that doesn't mean that we should just brush off pain, as if it doesn't even matter.  It matters.  Anyone who has ever been in pain (in other words, every human being who ever lived) will tell you that.  It hurts when your marriage doesn't work out, when your best friend dies, when you're laid off and have no hope of providing for your family.  God does care that it hurts.  And he's doing it for a reason.

"And since we are his children, we are his heirs.  In fact, together with Christ we are heirs of God's glory.  But if we are to share his glory, we must also share his suffering.  Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will reveal to us later.  For all creation is waiting eagerly for that future day when God will reveal who his children really are." - (Romans 8:17-19)

Ultimately, this is about God's glory.  Which we will share in.  The pain will all be worth it.

Life is a story.  Sometimes it's happy, sometimes it's sad.  But every event has meaning, although we can't see it right now.


Life matters.  Pain matters.  You matter.  Don't give up just yet.  There's a reason for everything.  It will be worth it.

Monday, July 30, 2012

Old Becomes New

Sometimes, my heart is simply exploding, inspired and driven to new heights by the words of others, or simply by the astonishing beauty and certainty that is the love of God.  Words overwhelm and trip over each other, and I long to say something powerful and sure, strong and long and endless, like a river ever-flowing, and yet...what is there to say?  For, as Solomon said, there is nothing new under the sun.

But, of course...we forget.  Though nothing is new, each time it makes its rounds through the world it is received with open arms as the ultimate truth, the final discovery, as though nothing in the world could ever compare.  Where are these discoveries now?  They live on only in the memories of those who saw them blossom, and then they wither with those oh-so-short lives, to be lost to the world in a few generations, only to return someday as "new".

Perhaps, though, it is a good thing that old words become new once more.  For though in this world we had men like the apostle Paul and Peter the headstrong and the leaders of the early church and other champions of the faith throughout the years all the way to the likes of Horatio Spafford and Carl Boberg, writers of some of the powerful hymns we sing today, as post-Christ psalms, or writers like C.S. Lewis and George MacDonald who inspire us still with their words of wisdom...all this fades in memory, sooner or later.  And so it is good that new men and women arise to re-tell the stories, to "sing a new song", as David said, to inspire and drive the world and the church to action once more, for we are forgetful beings.  When old words are forgotten, so must they rise again one day from the mouths of new speakers, as God's way of reminding us of the truths left in the dust of history's plodding march, and they give us strength to go on.  All things grow old and become new, remade once more to bring joy.

Is this not our picture of salvation?  We, as our old, tired selves, receive with joy the gift of Jesus, and we become new once more, so that God may use us as gifts of joy to the world, so that the lives we touch may eventually lead back to Him, and so rises up even more joy to give back.  The old becomes new and our worn-out souls become fresh, strong currents of love-water that washes over others, giving them a taste of the living water of the Christ.

Aimless, wordless babbling receives a purpose and new words rise to flesh out and the old, empty self is left behind as words become a gift.  This is the miracle of God.  Old will become new once more, and He will rejoice over it, and breathe into it an abundance of life that spills over until all is filled with perfect Love, seeping into the very earth in its extravagance.  Oh, how He loves us.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

I'd Rather Have You

So, second song in two days, but I just felt the urge to write again.  Hope nobody minds. :P


I'd Rather Have You
The world swims around in intoxication
The church plods on in desolation
Indulge or destroy the desire inside
Pick your poison, choose your side
But Who put this longing inside of our hearts?
The One who designed us right at the start

And I'd
Rather have You
The One that everything
Points back to
And my heart
Won't have to die
Cause if I'm a hollow man
What good am I?
What good am I?

"Love the Lord with all your heart."
But every day, we kill the spark
It whispers to us in the dead of night
"How can you say that this feels right?
If your heart is stone cold, how can you love?
The wildest Life is the one from above."

I'd
Rather have You
The One that everything
Points back to
And my heart
Won't have to hide
Cause if I'm a safe man
What good am I?

The people of Heaven are not silent types
Living in complete disregard for their lives
Beheaded or tortured or hung on a cross
The greatest of gain through the greatest of loss
This life is a story, the world is the stage
We don't know what's coming when we turn the page

But I'd
Rather have You
The One that all our hearts
Belong to
And my heart
Won't have to fear
Cause if I can't trust You
Why am I here?

I'd
Rather have You
The One that everything
Points back to
And my heart
Will sing to You
For every beautiful thing
You do
For every beautiful thing
You do
My heart
Will sing to you

For every single thing
That you do



Tuesday, May 29, 2012

"One-Sided Romance" - Sometimes Dreams Aren't Mutual

It seems to be the story of my life; feelings arise, and continue to grow until I finally can't hold it in anymore and I just have to tell her.  Up until that point I'm always thinking the feeling is mutual (or at least hoping it is), but...it usually isn't.  Someday the story will be different, but I haven't yet found evidence of it.  It's a good thing our hearts don't need evidence to believe, or I'd be lost.

One-Sided Romance
Must it always end like this?
I put it to words, but somehow they miss
Descend into hopelessness
I must have imagined it all

It seems the fault lies with me
I always give away my heart too easily
I must have misread you somewhere
As the hooks withdraw, they catch and they tear

I'm sorry, my darling
I just had to ask you
I wish that you cared as much as I do
Loneliness pierces my heart like a lance
I'm sorry I crafted this one-sided romance

Each time, it's the same
It happens so often that I am ashamed
I thought it'd be different this time
Wishful thinking isn't really a crime

I'm sorry, my darling
I just had to ask you
I wish that you cared as much as I do
But for some reason I'd hoped that by chance
This love wouldn't be a one-sided romance

It hurts too much to say goodbye
And yet friendship hurts the same
But for your sake, I'll dry my eyes
And I'll always remember your name

I'm sorry, my darling
That I had to ask you
You were my dream, but some dreams don't come true
My hope is dissolving with one final glance
I'll try to forget our one-sided romance

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

"Joy to Come", a poem

Child of God, love and be free,
For to love and be loved is all you need.
From birth, love is the constant good,
And it is the essence of joy and happiness, as it should
Be, for the Father is joy and love, forever
Flowing and being, like a great river
Of mirth from Heaven itself, a river of life
To heal all ills and end all strife.

Here we sit, wrapped in chains of our own making
And the Devil's, and when we start shaking
Them, breaking them, we will take up arms
Against our Enemy, ancient and crafty, who harms
Us all from birth with mortal lies, carefully
Made to break our wings, leaving us woefully
Cut off at the knees; I pray that God frees you.

Run to the others, swift Malachi,
Messenger of Jesus, may you fly
On perfect eagles' wings, forged in
The fires of Heaven's blacksmit, to win
Him the war through swiftness, to tell
The brothers and sisters of battle to come; tell them: "Fight well."

And when Lucifer is thrown into the pit
Of darkness, and the names that are writ
In the Book of Life are read, to step forth
Into glory with the Father, and the true worth
Of all is shown, then shall joy rise
To overtake all, and the serpents called lies will die.

Child of God, love and be free,
For to love and be loved is all you need.
I hope these words give you strength to go on,
For the end, the everlasting joy, is just beyond the horizon.