I figure it's about time I wrote a summary of the things I've learned about God in the last few months, and more completely explain my sudden spiritual uprising. So here I go... (Apologies in advance for the length of this post.)
First of all, I thank my dad and my friend Bristol for their spiritual assistance and support. Especially Bristol for recommending John Eldredge's books to me. Without him, I might still be where I was, stuck in spiritual depression. But most of all, I must thank God for giving me a way out and showing me his true self.
I mentioned John Eldredge; if you don't know who he is, he's a Christian man who wrote several books on Christianity, and runs/is a part of (not sure which) Ransomed Heart Ministries. God has truly blessed me (and so many others, I'm sure) in putting this man on the earth. The first book of his that I read was called Waking the Dead, and was my spiritual defibrilator/alarm clock/etc. Here is the introduction:
"There are few things more crucial to us than our own lives. And there are few things we are less clear about. We're not fully convinced that God's offer to us is life. We have forgotten that the heart is central. And we had no idea that we were born into a world at war."
These first words spoke straight to the heart of my problems. I was feeling emotionally and spiritually detached from the world, as if, except when I actually went out to a place where there were people besides my family present, I was trapped in a place where I was stuck with my thoughts in an inescapable place. Even walking around the neighborhood didn't help after I'd done it a couple times. I was alone, tortured by restless thoughts, desperate for peace but unable to find it. John Eldredge's opening words about an unclear life were a tamer version of my dilemma. Bristol recommended this book because he recognized my position, and I'm so thankful he did. I finally saw the veil that Satan had put over my life, and brushed it away, getting my first look at what the spiritual life really is.
Although I found the way out, it took a long time (my discovery was during autumn/fall). 2 seasons before I found out about the book, we were living in a different neighborhood (this was during the end of winter and into spring), where I was most strongly experiencing my trapped life. Here, I also faced another problem: I didn't even know if I was a Christian. My parents always assured me that I was, but I was not sure. I've always taken the Bible seriously, and understood things (for the most part), but I didn't feel inclined to be actively reading the Bible or praying, because, frankly, reading the Bible was boring (it still kind of is) because the only parts that weren't repeated half to death at church were Old Testament (and some New Testament) historical things which aren't nearly as applicable to life as, say, Paul's letters. The prophetic books, along with Proverbs, were horrifyingly tedious to read through, and every verse of the later books of the New Testament felt like a repeat of something I'd heard a thousand times over. As for my lack of prayer, my thoughts were as such: "If God has a plan from beginning to end, and will do what he wants whether I pray or not, then why pray at all? If I ask for anything, it all depends on whether or not it's in his plan to do it, and even then, why pray for it if he's going to do it anyway?" etc, etc. You get the idea. Doubts of my faith were made worse by discouraging opinions (not necessarily correct) that because of this lack of desire, I might not be a real Christian.
I still don't particularly feel inclined or motivated to read the Bible. Not to say there isn't some interesting stuff in it, but I still feel like I know Paul's words by heart (not literally though). But right after my reawakening, as I was getting ready for bed, I was given a commandment by God: he wanted me to read the book of John. So, I asked my mom if I could stay up and read it. She allowed me to, and I read through it. There wasn't much to speak of, but it was an interesting read. But one commandment (where Jesus is talking to Peter on the beach) stuck out to me: Feed my sheep. I then proceeded to have a conversation in my head with God (the first time I'd ever done it, and one of the most amazing things ever), and I was convinced he wanted me to share my new discoveries with others.
Oh, I forgot to mention one other thing (it concerns both the veil I talked about earlier, and prayer). After I read John Eldredge's book, I understood another important fact: demons are real, and they aren't inclined to leave us alone. I already slightly understood this. But I only saw it on the level of fears that come upon us for no reason: for me, being afraid while I'm in bed in the dark. I've imagined the very top of someone's moving head showing from behind a short railing/wall in the attic bedroom of our previous house, and I've pictured the edges of someone's feet moving at the top of the stairs leading down to where we currently sleep in the basement. And I've been inclined (by no wish of my own) to recall frightening things I've seen or heard. (You know how when you first think of something, it's hard not to delve deeper and bring to light snippets of stored memories, especially when it comes to fear?) All these are certainly inspired by Satan's servants, but they are far more present than any of us usually think. They inspire hurtful words to come from the mouths of others. They play on our human weakness by using our body's sinful nature to tempt us to sin (this also carries over from the first example). They are the discouraging voices we think are our own thoughts. When you think, "I'm worthless. God can't use me," stop. Think. That is not you talking. That's the enemy. When someone says something that wounds you like an arrow, stop and think before lashing back with an equally damaging comment. It's not them, it's Satan! (You may have read the verse in the New Testament where Jesus says to Peter, "Get behind me/away from me, Satan!" Peter wasn't talking; Satan was.) When you feel inclined to drop a snide comment or get angry at someone for no apparent reason, stop. (Guess what I'm going to say...it's NOT YOU! Resist the temptation to say it!) You get the idea. There are so many other ways that our foes use our words and thoughts (and the words of others) against us, causing massive emotional damage. (When I was told my lack of biblical interest might imply I wasn't a Christian, I didn't understand where this was coming from. I thought these people knew what they were talking about. Strangely enough, they didn't completely.) This is where the prayer aspect comes in. Prayer is the weapon God has given us to fight off these spiritual attacks. Without him, we stand no chance.
Life is a war. But it is also so much more than that. It's a love story: we are the beloved, and God is the Lover. This is described a little in The Sacred Romance, co-authored by John Eldredge and Brent Curtis (a friend of John's who died a short time after the book was written). God tries to get us to come to him, but we consistently turn away to our false lovers - our temptations and sins. Part of the reason is because our picture of God - and Heaven as well - has become something far from reality. We picture God as a guy sitting on a throne somewhere in the clouds, and when we die, we go there and sing worship songs for all eternity, maybe eat some food at a big table. We have lost the true image. God is the most amazing and wonderful person to ever exist, and we can't even begin to imagine what he is really like. One aspect of his that I've lost is his love; I don't really get what it's like to be loved by someone I can't see or talk to. I don't feel it. But it's there, whether we feel it or not, and we'll experience it when we return Home. This Home of ours is the most beautiful place we've ever seen, and our personal places in this land are made just for us - the real us. Not the face we put on for the world to see, or even most of the thoughts we think; our true self. The inner being that is so different from what we are now that we wouldn't recognize ourselves if we saw them on the street. This is what we're made to be: perfect men and women, living in a perfect Home with our Creator. How little we understand this. (I'd also like to mention another book written by Eldredge: The Journey of Desire.)
My journey is far from over, as far as I can tell (which isn't very much). I've got a lot of work to do before I'm myself, or can even understand myself. For now, I'm stuck in a hazy middleground we call reality, assaulted by my God's enemies, scorned by the "normal" people around me, tortured by my thoughts. But someday soon, this nightmare we call life will be over, and we'll finally be where we belong - with our God, our Lover, our Creator. Jehovah, Yahweh, I AM THAT I AM...I could go on endlessly.
Take heart, brothers and sisters of the faith, for our God has not forsaken us. He has given us an account of his return (called Revalation by the Bible), prophesied by John, disciple of Jesus, so that we may await his coming with eagerness.
Don't let the haze take hold of you. Keep your sanity. Keep fighting. Keep praying, keep reading, keep healing. Never stop being who you are. There are so many who leave the path of Christianity because they don't understand it. Do not be one of them. Learn all that you can. It's not about doing what's right, it's about following the one who made us. Stay strong, stay alert. Your enemy, the devil, prowls around like a lion, seeking someone to devour.
Signed, with passion, sincerity, and what little wisdom I have to offer,
Dane Rosengren
Christian, servant of Jesus Christ and the Lord God of Israel, and keeper of the Faith.
May it be so (or Amen).
I summarize all the books that have helped me, plus one I haven't gotten yet (I recommend reading the first three in the presented order):
The Sacred Romance
The Journey of Desire
Waking the Dead
Walking with God
Epic
All are written by John Eldredge (the first is co-authored by Brent Curtis), and are an amazing and inspiring read.
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