It wasn't quite what I hoped for, but in some ways it was far better. I feel so different. New? Renewing, certainly.
I'm still searching for all the right words, but I picked up a couple of things since the year began. I'm learning to leave stress further behind, and somehow I found purpose that still doesn't really make sense to me. Nothing grand or final, simply a sense that I am growing, and that is enough. It's amazing how things change when life is no longer a mountain to climb, but a river to follow.
See, if you're anything like me, you're acutely aware of every way that you're failing to match the pace of everyone around you, and of all of the mistakes that you've made and the things you're still falling short in, and of your own limited abilities. It's incredibly easy for me to drive myself crazy with all of it, as my perfectionism takes stock of every imperfection until I implode with the impossibility of fixing myself.
But I realized something.
First, I had to learn that my life is unique. The path isn't determined by anyone else's life, at all. It's my existence, and failing to match someone else's is not failure. Some things come easy, some things take a very long time, and all of these are unique to who I am. I cannot change this.
In the end, I am not in control of the path my life takes. I am given critical choices in every moment, and I have to live with the results, for better or worse. But so much is beyond my control, and life is going to happen, one way or another. I still struggle to understand how it works, but right now, it doesn't bother me. Life is always in front of us. The past has already happened, and beyond what it can teach us about how to be better people (which, truthfully, is quite a lot), it has no worth in the present. It can never be changed. And the future hasn't happened yet, so beyond wisdom for the sake of making good choices, it doesn't have worth in the present either. Learning from the past and planning for the future are not bad things, unless they hinder us from living in the present.
How much can I really change in this moment? Not much. Often all I can change is myself, by reminding myself of what's true. Why worry?
Appreciating the life I'm living right now is feeling so much better than worrying about where I will or won't end up. I've missed out on so much that was right in front of me thinking about the past and the future. Is that really what I want to see when I look back on my life? Do I want to spend my whole life taking a beating from myself for mistakes I can't undo, or worrying about where I'm going or what I'll have to face someday?
I'd rather cross that bridge when I come to it, and take in as much of the present as I can while it's still here.
Time is steady, and my Redeemer is faithful to lead me on the right path, as long as I stay present in everything that is true. I know I'm not perfect, but mistakes are a part of growing. Humility is worth more than regret.
Onwards.
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