Worship Isn't Just Singing

I just looked back over my last few posts for this year.  It's strange how the words I wrote in the past six months, though few, somehow seem to describe how I feel right now.  But I don't remember ever feeling like I do now.  I'm not sure if my memory is bad or if I was more hyperbolic a few months ago.

All I know is that a certain word came to mind recently that seems to sum up how I feel right now: autophobia - The fear of oneself, or of being alone.

Both of those definitions are pretty accurate right now.  I am afraid of being alone.  No, I am beyond afraid.  I am broken from being alone, or if not yet, then I soon will be.

And I am more afraid of myself now some days than ever.  But honestly, it doesn't feel like it's even me.  It's more like there's a psychopath or an inhuman monster living in the backdrop of my mind, and sometimes his whispers seep through the cracks of my mind when I dream.  And it's horrifying.

But a thought comes to mind...what if the antidote is simple, easily found?

Because the most soothing thing lately is...beauty.  Strange.

As a favorite author of mine once wrote, beauty costs us nothing, and there is no desire within us to consume it or do anything about it but stare, and wonder, and simply take it in.

Which leads to another thought.

Maybe the deeper answer is worship.

But I haven't felt the desire to sing those songs filled with Christian clichés for a very long time.  Why does beholding beauty do more for my soul than singing?

Maybe it's the fact that singing songs has become convoluted in my mind, and it no longer feels like worship.  Maybe I need to go back to the fundamental essence of worship.  Maybe I need to forget myself and simply let the beauty of every aspect of life lead me back to the one who created it.  It's all just a reflection, after all.

Okay, but saying that it's "just a reflection" makes it feel wrong to admire anything else.  It doesn't feel wrong, so...

Oh, of course.  Reflection, not imitation.  There's a difference between a fake that is the object of worship, and a mirror that allows us to see the real source when the mirror is the only thing our eyes are clear enough to see.

That's a good thing, because my heart hasn't known how to worship God sincerely for a very long time.  It's comforting to know that the mirrors of pure and innocent beauty are lenses to see him.

Because sometimes, our minds are so frayed that we don't know how to worship God through the lens of descriptive terms.  Sometimes singing about how holy and beautiful God is feels so empty; sometimes the only way we can worship is by admiring flowers.

Hah...this is feeling a bit rambling and taking a while to get to the point.  But then again...maybe we don't always need to be so hasty about getting to the point.

Maybe...we have to stop and smell the flowers sometimes.

(...I swear I did not plan that...)