Moving on.
I've been on a kick of emotionally-intense music for a while now. I never understood why people liked music like this, until things started getting bad. Then I realized that maybe it's a sort of attempt at shocking yourself awake with emotions, like taking an injection of brutal humanity straight into the bloodstream to wake your heart when it's feeling dead.
Whether it's through a poet screaming about God, at God, about himself, at himself; piano music that sounds like it's been run through a wood-chipper of electronic processes to shatter it into something that some might consider more noise than music; the dark, aggressive words of a band of the lost; or electronic beats, gentle backdrops, and everything in between that hold traits only 50% in common with the music most people like, there is something about music that is different that is powerful to a wounded soul.
In my case it might also be an attempt to somehow counteract the heavy dreams I sometimes have, the dark nights where I'm gasping for someone to acknowledge my existence, the long hours added up from every single time I wake up, dragging myself out of bed at a time so far from "morning" that my sleep cycle would fit better somewhere in west Asia, and who knows what else that screws with my head already. As if the double negative of broken music and a broken life will somehow equal normality and I could start again from zero.
There was a picture I saw that represented depression in a simple graphic: a small white cube, falling through a gradient running from gray to black, and when the darkness seems complete the bottom drops out and you're falling from the top of the gray sky again. It's like a disc that keeps skipping, playing the same bit of a song over and over and over again, and each time the end of the loop is more unbearable, and the start of it is more empty. Sometimes it's a mercy just to be able to cry.
Anyway...I do way too much of this sort of self-pitying rambling these days so I'd better stop.
I just hope things start making sense soon, and the world has color again.
But I am deaf to all their threats.
I am silent before them as one who cannot speak.
I choose to hear nothing,
and I make no reply.
For I am waiting for you, O Lord.
I am silent before them as one who cannot speak.
I choose to hear nothing,
and I make no reply.
For I am waiting for you, O Lord.
You must answer for me, O Lord my God.
I prayed, "Don't let my enemies gloat over me
or rejoice at my downfall."
I am on the verge of collapse,
facing constant pain.
But I confess my sins;
I am deeply sorry for what I have done.
Do not abandon me, O Lord.
Do not stand at a distance, my God.
Come quickly to help me,
O Lord my savior.
(Taken from Psalm 38.)
