I just had an epiphany. Thinking about how life is, how life was, how life could be and how life probably will be, I hit upon something: my life goes into these pretty random sine waves of good and bad, and I've felt like if I'm not on the high end of the wave -- feeling completely connected to God, totally in love with Jesus, doing exactly what I feel is right -- life feels like it's wrong somehow, like I shouldn't be here, like I should be trying harder to stay in line with Jesus or else I'm going to go off the deep end by default.
Excuse the language, but damn, how long has that been there?
What brought this to my mind was this feeling that the low points in my life are just in-betweens for the moments that God is close and life is right. But, I thought, doesn't that mean that I'm basically saying that most of my life is invalid? If life isn't life unless everything's perfect, then...does that mean that I'm just a walking ghost, apart from those few precious moments? Does it mean that God really isn't around unless I feel as if he's beside me?
Wow. I actually believe that.
No. Never. I wonder how I bought into such a deadly lie.
Possibly because there's this thing among Christians, usually implied for the most part, that life should be a certain way, that unless we're spending most of our day with God, never getting angry, never looking at things we shouldn't, never ever being materialistic...then we're wrong, and that is bad. Which is true. But we've taken it much further: if life doesn't follow these guidelines, then not only are we wrong, but there's something wrong with us, and we should, we have to stop or else we're bad people.
Well...maybe not bad. Just not all there, poor things. Here's a three-week Bible study and a few sermons to set you right again. Read a chapter a day, and call me in the morning, pastor's orders.
I honestly don't know whether to burst out laughing or break down and cry. Is that what we think our goal in life is, to be perfect people and feel close to God? HAH.
But it makes perfect sense to our reasoning minds. "This is completely right, and therefore everything that is not is wrong and must be avoided." 1 + 1 = 2, right?
There are two problems with this thought, though. One, Jesus never said "I am with you as long as you do everything you're supposed to and don't do things you're not supposed to do." Two, most of our lives is lived in this less-than-perfect place, the dreadful In-Between. But is it really dreadful, or are we just going about this all wrong? Maybe the whole point is that God's always with us (just like he said), even when we're farthest from him. Especially when we're farthest from him.
Woah...I'm going about my life all wrong. All of a sudden it's perfectly clear that what I've been doing is trying to lift my entire life up to Jesus's level. Might as well have been trying to lift the crust of the world. But in my attempt to bench-press a freight train, I forgot the obvious. Jesus comes down into our lives, not the other way around. And I slap myself in the face and laugh. Oh, what a wonderful God we serve!
But I've heard this before, and sometimes it still doesn't help, because one thing is left out: when life is at its lowest and God feels like a distant memory, Jesus is still within reach. Within reach, right now. Not if I can just get my life in order a little bit, not just if I can get myself to read my Bible a bit more every day, not just if I remember to pray before going to bed. Right now.
While I'm squandering my time avoiding what needs to be done, instead just doing whatever I feel like because it keeps me entertained and distances me from my pain and weakness, and while my thoughts are going where I know they shouldn't but I can't control myself, and while I'm so utterly despairing of love and of life, he's right here. So-close-I-can-touch-him here. And he doesn't care that I've sinned, and that I couldn't be further from the truth. He's still here.
It's so utterly freeing to realize that I don't have to lift my life up to the "good Christian" standard when I can barely even stand. I don't. He's here. Life's not a signal tower you have to climb up to get a connection to God, because he's right here, right now, when you're in pain, when you literally hate him for the way life is turning out, when you can't take another step because the sadness is so heavy.
He's right here.
Wow. I mean...wow. Really?
Just goes to show how hard it is for me to take God at his word, I guess. But he's taken that into account already.
Friday, November 23, 2012
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Weakness
Day dawns with another mental groan, turning over in the bed and in my mind, with the sun shining through the windows. Except it's not shining in my face. I was asleep for that part. I might hazily remember hearing the alarm that I set to help myself get up earlier, but I think I switched it off and fell asleep again. The upper level of the bunk-bed is vacant. Why do I do this to myself?
I head downstairs, spend a little too long checking a couple of websites on the computer, and have a late breakfast. Too little school, too little physical activity. The day ends eventually after that, and I repeat it again the next day, always wishing, always telling myself that I'll change my habits. It never happens. The thing is, spending too many hours before a screen doesn't actually tell me anything new. It's possible that I'm hiding from something. But what? My own lack of motivation? My loneliness, my sadness, past wounds that I have been crippled by rather than learned from? It's been so long that I'm not even sure I remember anymore.
I used to spend time writing down everything that I had to work out in my mind, but I've gotten stuck on a loop and I keep working through the same pain over and over. I'm too tired to hit the reset button, or maybe there isn't one. For all that I've been through, somehow my skills are failing to perform the same simple tasks they used to handle smoothly. I'm still me, and things haven't really changed much, so what's the problem?
Maybe it's loneliness. I drew a certain strength from deceiving myself about certain people, and now that I've learned the truth, that support is gone, and the others that I've taken for granted or only been able to draw on now and then -- they just don't do it anymore, because I've grown out my branches beyond them and so much of my strength was focused on those new parts of myself that I can't recede back to the spaces I used to fit comfortably in.
I'm not sure why I can't return to the Lord's arms these days, but it's grueling just to focus my mind enough. Maybe I should learn to just sit and be, like I used to say. Self-discipline is hard to come by, though, and I'm running so firmly on autopilot that it's tremendously hard to wrench myself from the daily routine.
Deep breaths.
In and out. One, two.
Relaxing muscles remind me it's been ages since I even stopped for calm. I'm holding my heart in my hand, loosening the hard dirt and grime under a gentle flow of warm water.
Jesus, wash over me.
It's strange how we can sleepwalk along, never knowing that we're catching our feet on chains, dragging the weight along, until our legs give out. By that time, of course, we've already fallen so completely asleep that we don't even realize we've fallen. We're so weak from dragging our burdens that we can't support our own spirit.
Dirt-turned-mud breaks away.
When our throat is dry and we haven't had water in ages, it's impossible to make more than a croak or a whisper, impossible to cry for help. Tears require water, and we can't even weep.
What a blessing that God can hear even the faintest of whisper, see exhausted sadness even when our faces are on the ground.
Lips taste a hint of water, and finally form an audible word. Help...
Gentle, strong hands. More water. A comforting smile. My child, I am with you always. Abide in Me. Let Me restore your soul, weary one.
But...I don't even remember how.
Don't try. Let Me be your strength. Breathe.
Deep breaths.
One, two.
Three.
Heartbeat starts, faint.
I must hold on. This spark of life is easily lost. I may have to do this once, twice more. But I must succeed. As long as my mind can hold on to that simple thought, simple word, then there is hope. As long as I can remember.
Help.
I head downstairs, spend a little too long checking a couple of websites on the computer, and have a late breakfast. Too little school, too little physical activity. The day ends eventually after that, and I repeat it again the next day, always wishing, always telling myself that I'll change my habits. It never happens. The thing is, spending too many hours before a screen doesn't actually tell me anything new. It's possible that I'm hiding from something. But what? My own lack of motivation? My loneliness, my sadness, past wounds that I have been crippled by rather than learned from? It's been so long that I'm not even sure I remember anymore.
I used to spend time writing down everything that I had to work out in my mind, but I've gotten stuck on a loop and I keep working through the same pain over and over. I'm too tired to hit the reset button, or maybe there isn't one. For all that I've been through, somehow my skills are failing to perform the same simple tasks they used to handle smoothly. I'm still me, and things haven't really changed much, so what's the problem?
Maybe it's loneliness. I drew a certain strength from deceiving myself about certain people, and now that I've learned the truth, that support is gone, and the others that I've taken for granted or only been able to draw on now and then -- they just don't do it anymore, because I've grown out my branches beyond them and so much of my strength was focused on those new parts of myself that I can't recede back to the spaces I used to fit comfortably in.
I'm not sure why I can't return to the Lord's arms these days, but it's grueling just to focus my mind enough. Maybe I should learn to just sit and be, like I used to say. Self-discipline is hard to come by, though, and I'm running so firmly on autopilot that it's tremendously hard to wrench myself from the daily routine.
Deep breaths.
In and out. One, two.
Relaxing muscles remind me it's been ages since I even stopped for calm. I'm holding my heart in my hand, loosening the hard dirt and grime under a gentle flow of warm water.
Jesus, wash over me.
It's strange how we can sleepwalk along, never knowing that we're catching our feet on chains, dragging the weight along, until our legs give out. By that time, of course, we've already fallen so completely asleep that we don't even realize we've fallen. We're so weak from dragging our burdens that we can't support our own spirit.
Dirt-turned-mud breaks away.
When our throat is dry and we haven't had water in ages, it's impossible to make more than a croak or a whisper, impossible to cry for help. Tears require water, and we can't even weep.
What a blessing that God can hear even the faintest of whisper, see exhausted sadness even when our faces are on the ground.
Lips taste a hint of water, and finally form an audible word. Help...
Gentle, strong hands. More water. A comforting smile. My child, I am with you always. Abide in Me. Let Me restore your soul, weary one.
But...I don't even remember how.
Don't try. Let Me be your strength. Breathe.
Deep breaths.
One, two.
Three.
Heartbeat starts, faint.
I must hold on. This spark of life is easily lost. I may have to do this once, twice more. But I must succeed. As long as my mind can hold on to that simple thought, simple word, then there is hope. As long as I can remember.
Help.
Monday, November 5, 2012
Sun Ain't Shining
Sun Ain't Shining
(This song is to a fairly fast beat, about one per second or 3/4 second.)
It's overcast, the sun ain't shinin'
Tears don't come, I should be cryin'
Rain or shine
Rain or shine
Sky, could you make up your mind?
I think I've figured out
What depresses me about
These cloudy days
(The world in shades of gray)
That beautiful blue sky
Cotton balls all floating by
All stripped away
(It's really quite a shame)
Oh, look round, I don't see
The backdrop for the trees
Naked and cold
(And gloomy moods get old)
The neighborhood round me
Is lifeless and empty
No hands to hold
(It just happens
Or so I'm told)
It's overcast, the sun ain't shinin'
Laugh or cry, I'm tired of tryin'
Rain or shine
Rain or shine
Heart, could you make up your mind?
I always crack a grin
When the sky comes pouring in
Oh, rain or snow
(Falling down to say hello)
Cause with water on the ground
In sorrow, joy is found
Even when you're low
(It's crazy, yes, I know)
Let the sun break through again
And although I can't pretend
To be okay
(The pain's there anyway)
I have a chance to heal
Open up my heart and feel,
'Least for today
(My Savior loves me
Always)
It's overcast, the sun ain't shinin'
It's not ideal, but I'm not whinin'
Rain or shine
Rain or shine
A bit cold, but I'll be fine
-------
Thanks, Uncle Uly, for the suggestion. (Really looking forward to putting this one to music.)
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